Four Words that will revolutionize your relationships

Relationships can be hard. There are families and friendships. Classmates and workmates. Acquaintances and BFF’s (best friends forever). Ministry and marketplace. There is what I think and feel trying to communicate with what you think and feel. There is what I said and how I said it. There is what I said and what you thought I said. And of course, we cannot forget…that is not what I meant.  

Yup, it can be overwhelming!  

So we have lots and lots of self-help books and professional journals.  Individual and group counselors, and even therapists and medications.  

I have found four simple words that guide me to be a better person, disciple, friend, and leader.  Jesus modeled them:

Honest – Direct – Respectful – Timely 

Today, I want to give you an overview and in future blogs talk about each one more specifically and practically.  So, memorize them:  Honest, Direct, Respectful, Timely or HDRT.

I have been influenced by a book I read (Honest Direct Respectful) and then by its author, Dennis D Adams.  I have adapted these simple concepts and added Timely as I have seen too many relationships further damaged because they have not been responsive to the teaching of Ephesians 4.26 when it says, Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.  When we let too many suns go down on our anger, pain, or confusion, it harms the health of our relationships.

This simple, easy to remember, and practical guide has increased my relational and leadership effectiveness.  As I have shared it with others, they too have implemented HDRT into their relationships.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, He is a new creature; The old things passed away, new things have come! All these things are from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation. 

2 Corinthians 5.17-18

We are a transformed people and called to be transformational.  That means our relationships are to be different, becoming more and more like Jesus.

Speaking the truth in love, you will grow up in all aspects into Him who is the Head, Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 4.15

I want to be more honest, direct, respectful, and timely in all my relationships.  It is not easy, but it is simple.  I want to create a culture around me that lives and reflects these practices in how I and others communicate and relate.

We want to keep it real and demonstrate God’s word and His Holy Spirit in us.  We want to be better in touch and grow to be more emotionally healthy disciples.  

In future blogs I will talk about each one separately.  But I think it is best to start with this chart as an overview to see and understand how to being honest, direct, respectful, and timely can be different, depending on when you tend to have more passive or reactive tendencies.  See the chart below:

As you can see, people tend to express HDRT differently in their relationships.  

Check the box under Passive or Reactive that best characterizes your general tendencies in each of the four HDRT categories.

Passive is described as not reacting visibly to something that might be expected to produce an emotion or feeling.  Adams says there can be a lack of congruity in a passive with their people-pleaser tendency.  They may respond to how they sense someone wants them to even if it is not what they internally desire.  People might feel passives as being manipulative since they don’t tend to be as clear or as direct.  

Reactive is described as acting in response to an influence or stimulus.  Reactives feel a need to be right and sometimes do not reflect Christ’s righteousness.  Reactives can relate in ways that demonstrate power and they may not be aware of how they are affecting those around them.  They tend to be less trusting.  Reactives are not usually driven by being liked or respected, but by winning.

Passives make up about 80% of us.  Reactives 20%.

Whatever best describes you, there is hope in the transformation power of God Holy Spirit in us.  You will see how HDRT will help you grow and mature in your relationships to be more like Jesus.  

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; A broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

Psalm 51.16-17

We just need to be humble and teachable.  Join me in the journey!

Next time, I will be drilling down on how we can be HONEST…with God, our self, and others.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free!

John 8.32

Another People Factor to help you do what you do best,